


Fill Our Hearts With Thoughts of Endless Night

by blametheflames



Category: Mindless Self Indulgence (Band), My Chemical Romance
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, First Kiss, Gerard Way is a Sweetheart, Lindsey has top energy, Mental Health Issues, Mikey Way is a top tier brother, Nonbinary Gerard Way, Other, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:09:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25636339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blametheflames/pseuds/blametheflames
Summary: A short story of creepy graveyards, fishnets and anxiety
Relationships: Lindsey Ballato/Gerard Way, Past Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Kudos: 15





	Fill Our Hearts With Thoughts of Endless Night

Gerard had always hated their anxious ticks. Sometimes their leg would bounce on the spot like it was made of rubber, and other times, like tonight, it was a trembling in their hands; their fingers incessantly twitching no matter what they did. Mikey had always said it was too many video games. That or the meds Gerard was on- Mikey varied in his answers to Gerard’s questions a lot.

Regardless of the reason, Gerard hated it. Gerard felt weak when they got nervous- exposed to the world. Not that weakness or vulnerability were bad things per se, but it was never something they enjoyed.

The reason for tonight’s bout of nervousness wasn’t without reason, like usual, however. Ray had somehow convinced Gerard and their brother Mikey to come along and meet some friends of his.

‘Have a few drinks and chill out’ was how Ray had pitched it earlier, who was currently grunting and giving Mikey a knee up to clamber over a rusted metal fence.

Normally chilling out was perfectly fine, of course, but tonight the genius location was a definitely haunted Jersey graveyard, far from home or any kind of street-light even. This was a sketchy part of town already, Gerard was pretty sure someone found a body around here last month, but being in some creepy graveyard all night sounded doubly worse than being on the streets or a park like usual.

Gerard hugged the oversized black hoodie tighter around theirself, watching apprehensively as Mikey barely avoided castration on a jagged piece of blackened metal and landed on the other side with a quiet thud on the grass. It was too dark for this shit, and uncomfortably quiet around here too. They could feel the lack of quiet, quietness that came from being away from civilisation, the comfortable drone of traffic and just the general reassurance somebody else was alive nearby. If something went wrong here, there was no way an ambulance could get out here in time, and something was definitely going to go wrong drunkenly stumbling around a pitch black graveyard in the middle of nowhere.

“Hey, you need a knee up too?” Ray broke Gerard out of their internal worrying with the question, shooting them a careless smile like always as he brushed back his curly hair.

‘ _Shit, I’m shaking again’_ Gerard thought and then cleared their throat, hands buried deep in their pockets as they rocked on the heels of their tattered Vans.

“Uh, I’m good actually. I’m not climbing that shit.”

“Come on, we came this far!” Mikey cut in before Ray could reply. He shot Gerard a grin, face pressed between the iron bars of the fence like it was a prison cell. His glasses shone slightly as the moonlight cut through the grey clouds overhead. So did a few needles littering the patches of grass underfoot. Right on queue, some kind of bird ominously cawed from the direction of the silhouetted old church. Half of it looked eroded away and broken, a great black shadow of stone bricks and crucifixes. Gerard wondered when they had stepped into some shitty slasher film.

“Fuck this place. Can’t we just go back?” Gerard sighed deeply, gesturing around them at the obviously sketchy situation.

“Gee, it’ll be fine. I’ll catch you!” Mikey stepped back, arms held out as if that proved he could catch his sibling.

“I don’t give a shit if you catch me, this place is creeping me out!”

“It’s fine! You’ll realise how dumb you’re being once you’re over here and we go meet Ray’s friends.”

“I’m not gonna, dude.” They stepped back, shaking their head, “Who are these friends of yours anyway?” Gerard looked at Ray again, frowning slightly as the curly haired boy set light to a cigarette he’d pulled out during their back and forth with their brother.

“I only know a few of them, but they’re cool.” Ray shrugged, being absolutely no help in easing Gerard’s nerves.

“Cool?”

“Yeah.” Ray exhaled a cloud of smoke, kicking at a loose rock under his feet. “Besides, Frank’s coming later after his date thing with Jamia, so if you don’t like them we can hang out- just the four of us.”

Gerard sighed and pulled their hands out of their pockets, running through their still recently dyed red hair. What Ray said did improve the situation a little, but not much. Frank would probably be a while, knowing him, if he even showed up at all. And besides that, things had been a little awkward lately between him and Gerard for months now. Not bad, just awkward. Some things were best left forgotten and marked down to drunken fooling around, or at least they had both agreed so the morning after the incident responsible for the awkwardness. Gerard struggled forgetting stuff like that, apparently Frank did too. “I doubt it...”

Apparently sensing where Gerard’s mind was heading, Mikey huffed and began to walk a short distance away, looking up and down the bars of the fence as he went using the light from his phone.

Ray and Gerard both turned in unison to watch him, sharing equally confused looks.

Mikey stopped at a particularly rusted and worn metal bar, sizing it up and down. Without any warning he kicked at it with the sole of his boot, a dull clang resounding through the cold air. It shifted from the impact, apparently more loose than it looked.

“Mikey, what are you-”

Gerard was cut off as Mikey kicked it again, and again the metal bar was nudged more askew. Their brother inhaled sharply, taking a step back before kicking it one final time at full force. The bar, partially bent from impact, broke free and hit the grass with a dull thud. Mikey backed up and cursed under his breath, leaning against a tomb as he rolled his ankle around. After a moment he looked up at the stunned pair, grinning like an idiot.

“Hurry up, I’m not busting up my foot for nothing!” Mikey hissed slightly, at his foot more than the others.

Gerard sighed and followed behind Ray in walking towards the broken fence, resigning theirself to defeat this time.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. At the very least, there’d be free booze and maybe some decent music. As ominous as this whole place was, it was a pretty badass thing to be doing too- it felt that way, at least.

Gerard was still twitching regardless, worrying about everything at once and replaying all kinds of possible scenarios over and over. It was an annoying habit they’d never been able to get rid of, some kind of symptom that persisted no matter what they’d tried.

Once Gerard and Ray had slipped through the improvised gap in the fence they made their way across the graveyard together with Mikey, gradually moving up the incline of a hill as they followed the stone path through the dark. Admittedly, the scenery was a lot nicer on this side of the fence, free from the looming structure of the old church and the cold shadows it cast over them. The surrounding fence and treeline parted to an open sky over a wide stretch of grassy land, dotted with rows of graves and tombstones of varying age and size. Gerard thought they might like to come back during the day and sketch or write here sometime, it seemed like it might be quite peaceful. Besides, they needed more excuses to get out of their house lately.

Up ahead they could make out the dim glow of a few phone screens and a buzz of noise that grew louder with each step. A group of silhouetted figures stood around with drinks and cigarettes in hand, and one leant up against a mausoleum, flicking their cigarette into the dirt and rubbing it out with their heel.

It was still hard to make out too many features yet in the dark. There was a small, shitty light-up speaker sat on someone’s backpack, blaring something fast paced and vaguely heavy metal-ish. It was hard to make out with the level of audio quality the speaker gave.

‘ _Not too many people. Ray knows them anyway. It’s fine. Be chill. It’s fine.’_

Gerard’s inner monologue came to a stop again, close enough now to see the others in the graveyard tonight. There was a group of various alternative looking people stood or sat around the speaker with drinks in their hands, a few having discussions and some just enjoying the music or each other’s company. They seemed nice enough, based on Gerard’s first impressions at least.

Ray and Mikey walked up a few steps ahead, the taller of the two introducing Mikey to the group. Gerard heard a few names as they stood with their hands firmly in their hoodie again. Someone named Jimmy, another named Kitty, the rest they didn’t quite catch or pay attention to.

Instead, Gerard found theirself somewhat stunned as they idly stood behind their brother and their friend. The figure Gerard had spotted leaning against the old mausoleum was visible now in more than just shadow, pale skin and a sharp jawline remarkably bright as the moon emerged from the clouds to illuminate the scene on queue. Gerard stood still for a moment in shy awe, eyes wide taking in the sight of this stranger. The person’s dark hair was pulled up into a ponytail, their lips painted the same shade of deep red as their heavy boots- which they were currently kicking against the stone wall to get the dirt off. Gerard felt like they might blush for staring too long, but _fuck_ those were fishnets under the skirt, and…

“Hey, G! Come say hi.” Ray interrupted Gerard yet again, they’d have to get back at him tomorrow somehow, and beckoned them to come up closer and be introduced to the rest of the group.

Gerard spared one last glance at the mysterious outsider, who had just pulled a fresh cigarette from the pack and lit it, illuminating what might just have been the prettiest face they’d ever seen.

Being polite and saying hello to new people was hard when you just needed to get away and go stare at a pretty person a while longer.

‘ _Wait, is that creepy to think?’_

Regardless, Gerard walked up to greet the other people there, smiling shyly and introducing theirself. Mikey placed an arm around Gerard’s shoulders, comforting their sibling a little. Mikey had always been very understanding, and Gerard appreciated that a lot, even if he could be a dorky brother sometime. And even if they really needed to go gawk at someone some more rather than stand around drinking and talking shit.

“So anyway, my big sibling here couldn’t get over that fence, it was too high or whatever, and so I totally kicked down one of the metal bars to let them and Ray in. Snapped it in half!” Mikey gestured with his arms as he spoke, then being handed a cigarette from Ray. As he spoke Gerard slipped back a little from the group, unnoticed.

“Psh, fuck off dude.” One of the guys with neon bright hair laughed before taking another swig from his can, “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

Mikey shook his head, fumbling slightly with the cigarette as he tried to light it. “I’m telling you, I did! Broke it clean in half. Tell ‘em, Ray.”

Gerard started to zone out of that conversation, glancing around at the various people and again thinking about what they’d do to frame the scenery here or put it into words somehow. Most were either listening to Mikey’s claims of heroism or having conversations of their own. Ray had been right- because of course he was- they were pretty cool so far. Maybe a little rough around the edges, but what honest person wasn’t, really?

‘ _Dammit, I’m twitching again’_

Hands stuffed back into their pockets, Gerard looked around the outskirts of the edgy little late night gathering. They took an opportunity to glance past Ray, hoping to catch a glimpse of the mysterious outsider again.

Their eyes met almost instantly, staring at one another with matched curiosity. It wasn’t clear who had been looking at who first, given the darkness, but they definitely made eye contact. Gerard felt their breath catch in their throat, lips slightly parted as they wondered if they should say something. What could they even say to someone like that?

“Hey Lindsey!” The garishly dressed guy who had been chatting with Mikey and Ray suddenly spoke up, his voice snapping both Gerard and the girl now known as Lindsey out of their private stare-off. He was grinning obnoxiously, clearly just looking to push her buttons.

“What do you want, dude?” Lindsey’s tone was mildly irritated. She shot a glare at her friend, kicking the back of her boot against the wall again, but not to remove any dirt.

“Are you standing over there all night or what?”

The initial response was her eyes rolling, arms recrossing. Combined with the whole ‘school uniform’ look she had going on with the plaited skirt and blazer, she reminded Gerard a lot of the cool older girls he’d see around back in high school.

“Maybe. That a problem?”

“Shit, guess not.” He laughed it off, shaking his head and turning back to the guys. “She’s just being moody. Trust me, she can be a real badass. This one time, right, she totally breathed fire, right...”

Gerard tuned out the buzz of conversation again, smiling privately.

‘ _She’s called Lindsey.’_

After silently watching the back and forth, Gerard cautiously glanced back over in her direction once conversation resumed again. It sounded like she’d rather be left alone, and they could definitely understand and respect feeling that way. Maybe she’d been dragged into this too. Hopefully she didn’t have to face the fence like they almost had.

Lindsey was looking right at Gerard, again.

Gerard gulped silently, tugging at a loose thread inside of their pocket. They could feel Lindsey looking them up and down slightly, but it wasn’t a judgemental look. Gerard felt like blushing and turning away, hiding theirself amongst the tipsy laughter and chatter of the group. It’d be safer that way, less chance of exposing theirself and something bad happening. Realistically they knew something bad probably wouldn’t happen, but anxiety had a way of tricking Gerard.

Yet, Gerard didn’t hide away like they usually might. Instead they kept meeting Lindsey’s gaze, even giving her a shy smile despite how they felt their heart racing.

She returned it, and Gerard might have melted. Her eyes squinted slightly when she smiled, red lips curled warmly. Lindsey’s hand lifted up; a pale finger curling to beckon them over to her.

Gerard froze like a deer in headlights, naturally.

‘ _Oh fuck. It’s okay. Be chill. It’s fine. Be chill… Wow, she’s pretty…’_

By some miracle Gerard managed to put one foot in front of the other and made their way over towards the isolated girl without being seen by the rest. Mikey and Ray were currently busy trying to out-chug one another with some of the cheapest looking cans of beer Gerard had ever seen. Nobody was paying any attention to Lindsey or where she stood, so at least some of Gerard’s nerves were eased.

Some.

Approaching a pretty person was still something they had to improve on.

Gerard’s scuffed shoes stopped just a few feet from Lindsey’s cherry red boots. They cleared their throat, double checking over their shoulder that Mikey or Ray weren’t looking, and looked up to meet Lindsey’s warm brown eyes again.

“Uh, hi. I’m Gerard.” They almost stuck their hand out to shake, but stopped theirself before embarrassment. God, could they one day just talk to someone new like a normal person? At least Lindsey still seemed interested in talking despite the awkward introduction. Amused, maybe? It was still pretty dark.

“Hey Gerard.” She laughed softly as she spoke, but not in the way some people did around Gerard. It wasn’t cruel or mocking, just warm and bubbly. They melted a little at that laugh.

“You looked kinda out of place over there, and I don’t like leaving people on their own to be uncomfortable.”

“Oh, thanks.” Gerard laughed this time, shyly rubbing the back of their neck and glancing around again. _‘Just play it cool, don’t fuck this up’_

“I like your hair!”

Lindsey snorted slightly as she laughed again, her smile spreading wider. Gerard melted some more and found their tension easing a little, even. She had a very pretty laugh.

“Thanks, I like yours too~” She reached down to grab an open glass bottle that had been nestled into the grass at her feet. Gerard hadn’t noticed it there before, but it had been right next to Lindsey’s legs, so really how could they?

“You want some? Think it’s imported.” Lindsey’s nose wrinkled slightly as she sniffed the half-empty bottle, the label and contents hard to make out in the dark.

Gerard and alcohol hadn’t always been the best combination of things, but sometimes it was great too. They had found life was always all perfect or totally awful all at once, no in between, and alcohol was much the same. But if it didn’t end awfully- and things had been pretty good so far- Gerard figured they could use the confidence boost some booze would give.

“Yeah, alright then.”

After Lindsey took a quick sip Gerard stepped closer, being handed the bottle by a surprisingly dainty hand. Surprising because despite her choice in clothing, Lindsey looked like she could kill someone with a single kick. Gerard was into that, naturally, but softness was equally good.

They mirrored her, sniffing at the liquid handed over in the dark, Gerard similarly frowned at the scent. Definitely vodka of some kind. After a quick deep breath Gerard lifted the bottle to their lips, swallowing down an unknown amount in a few quick gulps. Lindsey’s eyes widened slightly as she watched Gerard swallow it down and then hand back the bottle. She smirked and placed it on the ground again. Gerard grimaced and stuck out their tongue in a show of disgust, the alcohol burning the back of their throat.

“You okay there? That’s pretty strong stuff…” She gently placed a hand on Gerard’s arm for support as they joined her in leaning on the mausoleum’s wall. It was grimy and covered with moss, not to mention cold as fuck, but it was the best the two could do. Hopefully whoever was inside wouldn’t mind.

“Y-yeah. It’s fine.” Gerard shot her an uncertain grin, prompting another snort of laughter from Lindsey, “So what’s your deal anyway? The guys piss you off?” Gerard asked curiously, a warmth settling in their core now.

Her lipstick painted lips curled to a smirk, looking back over at the group just a little way apart from them for a moment. It looked like Mikey was telling another story, his confidence bolstered by booze as he wildly gestured from up on top of a grave.

“Oh, my guys always piss me off somehow, but that’s just because they’re natural idiots. I just wanted to be alone for a bit tonight, I’m not _always_ about being so loud and dumb.”

“Oh shit, you want me to go?” Gerard was quick to get up from the wall and take a step away, always the empathetic, and a little dumb at times it seemed.

Lindsey frowned slightly, the same smile still on her lips, “Why would I want you to go, sweetie?”

Gerard faltered on their response at first, flustered by the drop of ‘sweetie’ so casually, their mouth opening and then quickly closing as they blushed in the dim lighting. Thank God it was dark.

“You just said you wanted to be alone tonight. I figured…”

“Then why would I have asked you to come over, hun?” She was giggling again, Gerard’s cheeks burning.

“I dunno…”

“I just meant away from the group, that’s all. I want to keep talking with you.” Lindsey let herself slip down the side of the wall, coming to sit on the soft, dewy grass below with her legs outstretched. She patted the spot next to herself, smiling up at Gerard in a way that made Gerard blush even more. “And you look like you want to be alone too, so come and be alone together with me?”

Gerard thought that might just be the most romantic thing they’d ever heard; like a song lyric, or maybe a poem. They didn’t waste any time in accepting that offer, sitting down beside Lindsey in the damp midnight grass with their legs crossed.

They glanced at one another again, smiling shyly as both of them recognised something in the other’s gaze below the surface. After a minute or so of comfortable near-silence, the background buzz of conversation and crackling stereo softer and distant now, Lindsey’s hand placed over Gerard’s. Gerard turned their hand, letting their fingers entwine. It was a small gesture, but Gerard could feel their heart start to race as butterflies exploded in their guts.

Tonight, Lindsey, this little moment of exposure- it proved too much.

That soft, exposed feeling Gerard let theirself fall into froze. A sudden rush of anxiety overcame them, or maybe it had been there for a while and only now came to be realised, unceremoniously crashing their mood and leaving Gerard short of breath. Their hand began to tremble in hers, fingers twitching involuntarily. It felt like they couldn’t breathe, like the whole world was spinning around them as the cold, grassy floor fell beneath them. Gerard took a deep breath, but it was only followed by a succession of more and more, growing more desperate and rapid as they lost breath.

Concerned at the sudden shift, Lindsey sat up to better be in Gerard’s line of sight, unknowingly just making their embarrassment and anxiety further rocket as their eyes met.

‘ _She’s going to hate me for this. She’s going to hate me. She can’t see me like this...’_

“Gerard? What is it?” Lindsey frowned with concern, that warm smile all gone now.

“I-it’s, uh…” They exhaled deeply, trying to fight against their own mind and do those breathing exercises they’d been told to do. It didn’t work. Everything was too much, too real.

“Fuck, I’m sorry…” Gerard’s throat tightened, their stomach churned with knots of nerves and an unfortunate amount of booze. Even in a panic attack they felt the need to be apologetic to the pretty girl who’d sat with them.

‘ _No no no, she can’t see me like this. I never should have came, I never should have…’_

“Hey, look at me.”

Somehow, Lindsey cut through the static tornado of panic swirling all around Gerard, her presence the only solid thing in their surroundings to them. Her hands held both of theirs now, gently rubbing circular patterns into their palms. It was a calming feeling, something small and real to focus their mind on. Gerard clung to that feeling, no matter how miniscule.

“I think I get what’s happening. Anxiety, right?” Lindsey was smiling softly again, pulling Gerard back out of their own head bit by bit as she rubbed their palms and maintained eye contact.

Gerard nodded in response, too short of breath to say much, and too panicked to have thought of words to say anyway.

“I’ve had the same before, don’t worry. Just focus on your breathing, yeah? We’ll do it together.”

Gerard nodded their head slowly, their eyes fixed on Lindsey’s. So pretty and so kind, Gerard felt they might have met an angel tonight. Together they took slow, rhythmic breaths, holding one another’s hands tight.

It took a few minutes; sitting and breathing with her, holding onto those soft hands like anchors to reality, but gradually they came down from the sudden panic attack. Their fingers still twitched slightly, tingling with some kind of static feeling all over, but at least they could breathe now. After a moment more Lindsey smiled and sat back on her heels from where she’d been squatted next to Gerard, still slowly rubbing circles into their palms. She hummed, smiling at them.

“You look better now... I- That wasn’t me, was it? Causing that, I mean.” Lindsey spoke softly, barely a whisper above the continued drone of noise from the others nearby Gerard could now hear properly again. It seemed nobody had seen- but they’d never been looking in the first place, anyway.

Gerard shook their head, bashfully smiling in return. They couldn’t admit Lindsey was a tiny part of the cause just for being too pretty and nice. “N-no! Just happens sometimes, especially if I drink…”

It was clear she didn’t believe that entirely from how she pursed her lips, but didn’t push it any further. “Alright then. Do you need anything, though? Someone should have some water...”

Another head shake in response, Gerard’s smile steadily returning with each passing moment together. “It’s alright. Thank you for helping, means a lot.”

Lindsey hummed softly, gently squeezing their hand as they both settled back against the mausoleum and resumed people watching from the same positions as before.

Again they let the warm, relaxed mood take them over, only now feeling more intimate and private. The main group of people were still little more than twenty feet away, but Gerard felt a thousand miles away from them and the rest of the world with Lindsey there.

It felt like eternity and no time at all, sat together in the cold grass leant up against the decaying brick work behind them, holding hands and watching time pass by in the dark. It was comfortable, and Gerard could feel in their gut how they’d miss this once it was over. At some point in their private little shadow of the world they had started to lean on one another more than the wall, idly exchanging small talk and comments as their fingers remained closely entwined. They sat for hours upon hours watching the night pass by, anchored to the world by damp grass and the smell of alcohol and cigarettes. Neither wanted it to end, and mercifully, it wouldn’t for a long time. Not until the very smallest cracks of sunlight encroached on the dark sky, turning it into a deep blue with streaks of orange along the clouds.

A decent amount of the people had left already by that time, leaving Lindsey and Gerard’s associated groups with few other stragglers. Mikey groaned loudly as he sat up and stretched, grabbing a shoe he’d apparently taken off at some point. Gerard’s younger brother shot them a grin as he looked over, then a nod of ‘let’s go’. Mikey probably wouldn’t mention Gerard sitting with a stranger all night unless they mentioned it to him first.

At Mikey’s sign they sighed in recognition, nodding back. Unfortunately for Gerard, time continued on. It was going to be a rough day today, they could already feel it. The night was definitely worth it though. As Gerard began to sit up from being at an almost forty five degree angle against Lindsey, their body cracking in an unpleasant way as they did, she hummed in thought and reached into her jacket.

“Listen, I gotta go…” Gerard said with a raspy, tired tone to their voice. They looked over at Lindsey just as she pulled out a pen from an inner pocket.

“Me too.” Suddenly she had Gerard’s arm, pulling back their sleeve.

Gerard opened their mouth to question the dark haired girl, but stopped with sleepy realisation as Lindsey began to write a string of digits down their forearm.

“Call me, okay? This was nice.” Lindsey beamed at Gerard, who just blushed and quickly pulled down the sleeve again as they nodded.

“Yeah... Thanks, again.”

Lindsey leant across, her lips pressing to Gerard’s cheek in a quick kiss that left a mark of red lipstick behind. It almost looked like she was blushing slightly too. “See ya~”

Gerard melted all over again, too flustered for words as they watched Lindsey hop up to her feet with surprising energy, grab her bottle and rush off after the other group of people already on their way out. Lindsey disappeared over the crest of the hill in a blur, only now was the late night really starting to catch up with Gerard. They needed their bed now more than they ever had before. With a yawn they staggered up to their feet, using the wall for momentary support, and walked back over to the equally tired Mikey and Ray.

Without much said the trio left the way they came in, slipping through Mikey’s improvised way-in and off on the path back to their own neighbourhood. It was a long, even more tiring walk with the booze now fading and the sun rising higher over the horizon. Ray’s house came first, who offered not much more than a loud yawn and a wave as he slipped past his house’s front gate and up to the front door.

Mikey and Gerard slipped inside their own house with well-practised silence, both of them giving a brief hug before disappearing into their rooms. Gerard just about managed to kick off their shoes and pull off their jeans before collapsing face first onto the bed with a deep sigh. They’d never been happier to feel those pillows.

Gerard wasn’t shaking any more now, just smiling to theirself as they drifted off to sleep and thought of graveyards, fishnets and warm hands in the cold.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading, this is the first fic I've published so any kudos or feedback are greatly appreciated~


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